00:00.89
Michael Huber
Hey, Ed, how are you?
00:02.27
ed gerety
Hey, Michael, great to see you.
00:03.80
Michael Huber
Great to see you too. it's ah It's great to have you on my podcast. I was on your podcast yesterday we recorded, so we're doing back-to-back here. So I think to jump right in, like tell me about your work in terms of helping people with developing their confidence, so whether it's teens or just you know adults.
00:21.88
ed gerety
Sure. And once again, Michael, thank you for the opportunity to be on here and to have the opportunity to spend some time with your listeners.
00:28.61
Michael Huber
Mm-hmm.
00:29.65
ed gerety
ah For the past 30 years, Michael, one of the big messages that I've been talking, talking with students and educators and and business leaders is about, you know, how do we, how do we build our confidence.
00:39.09
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
00:39.34
ed gerety
And one of the big questions that have has really evolved over the last several years is not just how do we build our confidence but in working now more and more with parents. The big question I get from parents is how do we help our team ah build their confidence, especially when they're getting pulled in so many different directions in social media and our fast-paced driven world. And so I think one of the important things I think that we can do to help our teams build their confidence, I think it's really important to really encourage them to be curious, Michael.
01:08.64
ed gerety
to really be curious, to step outside of their comfort zone, to try new things, to take positive risks, ah because that's how they learn and that's how they grow.
01:09.09
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
01:16.42
ed gerety
So many times I think we we give this message to our, even sometimes we make, we give this message to our kids and, or kids hear this message and that is that, you know, go forth and follow your passion.
01:27.90
ed gerety
And I don't think it's passion first, Michael. I think it's actually curiosity first. I think our great responsibility as one of our great responsibilities as parents is to encourage our child to really be curious, not just through elementary, middle school, high school, but to be curious throughout life.
01:43.73
Michael Huber
Yeah, I love that. And curiosity is definitely something that I'm very big on in terms of for myself individually as is personal development, but also coaching, you know, athletes myself, you know, young athletes myself. So I think there's a couple of things in there that are really important, right? Like curiosity to me comes before passion, right? How do you know what you're passionate about unless you understand like what's out there, right? And it's not not just that one thing, right? There's a lot of things that are out there that you could really be passionate about if you ask the right if you ask the right questions. I think the other thing that curiosity leads to is empathy, right? If we try all these different things and we take those risks and we know what it is to fail, now it's a lot easier to relate
02:24.90
Michael Huber
to other people when they do the same thing versus like, I have to be perfect and I expect them to be perfect. And now we've got this sort of disconnect, right? So like, can you talk about like empathy? Is that something that you know is is big in your work?
02:37.51
ed gerety
Yeah, I think that's such a great point because I think that when you when you do explore it, you do try new things. You get the empathy and you get some compassion for and even appreciation for, for example, I think it's really important to you you you encourage your child to explore as many different things.
02:46.01
Michael Huber
Mm-hmm.
02:54.56
ed gerety
They get music, art, sports, dance, all that. And so let's say you expose your child to ah playing the piano. Well then maybe they try it out and they realize that it's really not something that they're really excited about or that they're really interested in after they tried it out. But now, because they tried it out, to your point Michael, they now have such an appreciation for someone who then sits down and plays the piano.
03:17.55
ed gerety
masterfully, and you or they have a classmate or a peer, they're like, wow, you know, it's it's not as simple as it looks. And so I think that's where it comes from.
03:24.45
Michael Huber
Absolutely.
03:26.10
ed gerety
You get an appreciation of of of other people's unique talents and gifts.
03:26.60
Michael Huber
Mhm.
03:30.24
ed gerety
And that's the whole idea of ah encouraging our are ah child to be curious, not all throughout life, is is that's how they start to discover their their own unique abilities and strengths and how we're all unique and different.
03:43.01
Michael Huber
Yeah. So like, what are some of the ways you guide or teach or instruct or suggest specifically to teens about taking risks in terms of trying new things that may be uncomfortable that may make them look silly, right? For lack of a better way to put it, but understanding like, Hey, there's a really good reason why, and this is why you should try it.
04:06.83
ed gerety
Yeah, i think it's I think that kind of leads into that. We're such a goal-driven society and we're all about producing results that I think when we encourage our when we encourage ourselves and we encourage our our child to be to be curious, then we can start to really teach the left the lesson that it's you know about how important it is to really focus and celebrate on the effort and not the result.
04:12.78
Michael Huber
Hmm.
04:28.94
ed gerety
so And I think when you get into that that conversation of being curious, then it can start to take the focus away from the result of what are we trying to achieve because you're just exploring and into being curious to, wow, look at the effort you put in trying that out.
04:30.25
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
04:43.51
Michael Huber
Yeah.
04:43.62
ed gerety
I'll give you you an example, even with our daughter, our our younger daughter, um even when she was in, We tried to expose both of our kids to to different activities, but with our daughter, we exposed her you know to the sports track of soccer, of basketball, of even ah ah evenen lacrosse. And it just wasn't something that she was really interested in. And then she started to kind of we saw that she was drawing a line. We saw that she was coloring a lot and sketching a lot.
05:09.62
ed gerety
So we started to feed that fire. And then we started to feed that fire. And how did we feed that fire? You know, get her in the sketchbooks, get her in the right tools for her to be able to explore it fully.
05:18.82
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
05:21.52
ed gerety
And then from there, realizing that she was then excited more about the arts. And so as soon as there was an opportunity for a local production, a local play in our area, we took her to that play so that she'd get exposed to that.
05:34.20
ed gerety
And it's all those trial and errors of her trying things and exploring. She's be able to found something that she's found her unique ability. um And then within that now is the journey of her celebrating, going for auditions, not getting the part, realizing congratulations on the effort on that.
05:51.07
ed gerety
You know, I know you worked really hard for that part. I know you didn't get it. No, it's that whole Jim Rohn quote, right? It's not about the goal. It's about who you become and what you experience in the way towards that goal.
06:01.28
Michael Huber
Absolutely. Character building, right?
06:03.12
ed gerety
Yes.
06:03.16
Michael Huber
That's a big part of what we do, right? Regardless of the population you work with, like coaching's about character building. You're going to fail. You're going to fall on your face. Um, I did want to ask you a question here cause I, you know, it's something that, uh, I'm interested in, you mentioned goals, right?
06:15.93
Michael Huber
Like, so what are some of the the biggest mistakes people make when they set goals?
06:21.15
ed gerety
I think one of the one of the biggest mistakes that sometimes, especially especially even as teenagers, is that te we make the mistake of of it it's not really being realistic in terms of the timetable that we set.
06:31.66
Michael Huber
me
06:32.44
ed gerety
We underestimate what we can do and i in a year and we over we was it would you overestimate what we can do in a year and we underestimate what we can do in five years. Isn't that the saying, Michael?
06:42.69
Michael Huber
I don't know it, but it makes sense.
06:45.99
ed gerety
So I think that sometimes we we have a tendency to to to not set realistic goals. And i and and and knowing that, is it is it is it smart, right? Is it specific, manageable, attainable, realistic, the whole timetable, all that. And I think one that's a key area to helping helping build our team's confidence, too, in building the confidence of others. is is that the way one of the ways you can build your confidence is by setting realistic, small measurable goals at first.
07:10.46
Michael Huber
man
07:11.27
ed gerety
So you start to build up that that that confidence that momentum, as you go forward, say, Look, I can do these things.
07:18.21
Michael Huber
Yeah, I think it's really important.
07:18.27
ed gerety
Yeah.
07:19.41
Michael Huber
and I mean, goal setting is certainly something that I i do a lot with with athletes. and and what i you know what i sort of And I talk about smorkel frameworks and things like that. And really like like I challenge them to be think about what it would be like to define success differently.
07:35.35
Michael Huber
Right? Like, is success doing all those things that I can control and feeling really good about that, knowing that the outcomes that I'm setting for myself are not in my control completely?
07:36.22
ed gerety
Yeah.
07:46.46
Michael Huber
So like, if I can wake up every day and go, I check that box every single day in service of this long term goal, and Even if I don't get there, I can still look back and go, Hey, I worked really hard for this. Like going back to what you were just saying, right?
07:57.96
Michael Huber
Like building character. I worked really hard to get to this point. And yeah, you know what? It didn't work out the way I wanted to, but I can still like look myself in the mirror, you know, straight in the face and say, I did everything I could versus that feeling of regret, right?
08:10.72
Michael Huber
When we we set a goal for ourselves, but we don't do everything we can do. And now that's something you have to live with. forever right and so like that's I think it's something that sometimes is hard for young people to understand and appreciate when they're a certain age because of the world we live in and so I know yesterday we talked about a little bit about the idea of perfectionism right and I couldn't I couldn't help but think about perfectionism as it relates to curiosity, right?
08:30.82
ed gerety
Yes.
08:35.97
Michael Huber
That idea of like, hey, your daughter, the story you just told about your daughter where you kind of observed her going down a different path and you fueled that fire because that's what made her happy.
08:46.48
Michael Huber
I think what happens a lot of times with perfectionism is we funnel kids into, say, sports, for example, because that's a relevant topic. we funnel them into sports and we we we make them feel like that's the only way to feel good about themselves or that's the only way to be successful or this is what i um my parents want for me and so I have to be good at it or else I have this feeling of failure and I'm letting them down, right? And that's where I think, ah you know, I wouldn't, you know, I'm not, there's no scientific straight line, but like I think they're related, right? And so like curiosity could be the offset to perfection am i get perfectionism, i I guess is a way to put it.
09:20.32
ed gerety
Yeah, I think that's a great point because we we do we live in this we lo live in this world where we we only see we only see people on on the podium. We only see see people when they're getting recognized first place, winning the championship.
09:33.97
ed gerety
And you you don't always see the behind the scenes of all the effort that it took to to get there. I think that goes back to the point too, right, Michael?
09:40.78
Michael Huber
Yeah.
09:40.79
ed gerety
If you celebrate the effort over the result, then you're you're teaching that you're teaching that life skill of ah of not striving for perfectionism. Because if you are just focused on the goal, and it's if it's just about the goal and and like being number one, or being ah being number one, then you are then you are. You're setting yourself up into that spiral of just all perfectionism. like It's all just about the goal, it's just about the goal. I did some work with a ah program out of Canada called Strategic Coach.
10:10.24
ed gerety
And one of the skills that they talked about in that in that training that I participated in was you know one of the ways you can keep forward momentum and keep building that confidence is by doing something that they taught called positive focus. And positive focus was it just a simple exercise that you can do at the end of every day. um I do it at the end of every week. Every week I do a positive focus. Actually, my wife and I, we do this every week ah faithfully.
10:35.00
ed gerety
And what that is, we write down 10 things, positive things that happened that week. It can be personal and professional, so we just mix them all up. And sometimes it's more than 10. But what were the positive things that happened that week, personally and professionally, for not just myself, but for our family?
10:49.89
ed gerety
ah And then what happens is that you look at that and then you're like, wow, look how much we've accomplished. Then you can go and then you take those highlights from the week and you turn them into highlights for the month and those highlights for the month become the highlights for the year.
11:02.92
ed gerety
And then you can say, look how far we have come. And and and in our fast paced world, we don't take that time for reflection to say, look how far we've come.
11:06.14
Michael Huber
Yeah.
11:11.80
Michael Huber
Well, yeah, I mean, listen, I can relate to that on a personal level as a, and I'm sure you you probably can relate to this when I'm, what I'm about to say is as a, as a business owner, as somebody who has a passion for this business and serving young people and their families, right? I've worked really hard for the last four and a half, five, six, seven years to make that something that I you you know, I think is worth sharing with other people.
11:36.00
Michael Huber
And some days I don't get the results that I think I deserve, right? Like, oh, i i I should have more clients.
11:40.95
ed gerety
Yeah.
11:43.16
Michael Huber
I should be doing more. Why is this so hard? And you don't realize I have to look back at the day I started the business where I had a big zero next to the amount of money that I was making. And today I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but that number is a lot bigger than zero, right?
11:57.89
Michael Huber
And so like, I have to remind myself like, You're doing the right things. You're moving in the right direction. You've done so many positive things. Don't judge yourself because the outcome is not what you want it to be yet, right? Not right now. And I think that's so, so important. Whether you do it once a week or you do it once a day or you do it once a month or once a year, that ability to reflect on the good things and not always the the things that we're not good at is actually really, really hard.
12:23.13
ed gerety
It's really hard, and then some people will dismiss it and say, oh, that's just toxic positivity. You're just focused on focusing on the popcorn, the balloons, and the and the unicorns. so And no, that's that's not what we're talking about.
12:33.47
ed gerety
We're actually just talking about, because you know it's that Hawaii, what you focus on, you attract, where where your attention goes, your energy goes.
12:40.52
Michael Huber
Mhm.
12:40.54
ed gerety
And so if you're going to focus on either what's working or what's not working, it's not to just to just say, oh, everything's all perfect and great. but but one of the ways you can have the energy to to focus, to to deal with what's not working in your life is to have the the the energy and the fuel to know, actually, I'm doing pretty, i'm I'm actually doing, I'm doing really well here, which I think that leads into the next point, ah Michael, you know, that you and I have talked about before is that, so yeah, positive focus, celebrating the the effort over the, ah you know, celebrating the effort over the, you know, over the result itself, but I think that one of the ways you can continue to anchor that is by positive self-talk.
12:52.58
Michael Huber
Mhm. Mhm.
13:19.06
Michael Huber
Yes.
13:19.59
ed gerety
It's saying, you know what, look how far I've come today. Wow, look what I did today. Using those I am statements that are so powerful. I was just i was just i was golfing the other week with ah um my friend and this ah third person joined us for the for the round.
13:33.48
ed gerety
and And from the first hole to the 18th hole, every time this person took a putt and they missed the putt, they'd call themselves an idiot. You're you stupid. How could you do that? oh It was it was actually was actually draining by the end of the 18 holes to hear this guy just continue to do bash himself about how terrible he was as a golfer. And he wasn't even a bad golfer.
13:55.10
ed gerety
But he thought he was the way he talked to himself. So positive self-talk, I think, is such a key.
13:57.38
Michael Huber
Yeah.
14:00.54
ed gerety
And it's something that we can teach our children. But we also have to use it as as adults. Sometimes I think as adults, we think it sounds kind of funny to say, you know, I am capable. I am strong. I am getting better every day.
14:11.00
Michael Huber
Yeah.
14:11.04
ed gerety
But the studies show that that has an impact on your immune system, on your stress, on your self-esteem, all of that.
14:19.93
Michael Huber
Yeah. Well, I love the golf example, because I relate to that personally, right? Like as somebody who was always an athlete growing up his whole life, I was always, I was never great at anything, but I was always pretty good at sports in general. And then I started playing golf golf later in life as an adult, maybe around 30. And I was so hard on myself when I first started playing, I was like, well, I should be able to do this. I should, like, why is this like, I stink. And then eventually I was like, you play golf five times a year or 10 times, even 10 times a year.
14:49.97
Michael Huber
How could you expect to be really good at a sport where you don't play every single day? right like So I had to like accept that realization of like, hey, yeah, you know what? It sucks to miss a putt, but like why should I make it if I don't practice it every day? If I just show up five or six times a year? like Accept it, have fun, try to get better, try to make the next one, try to learn something new and move on, right? And I think that happens a lot with self-talk is we have these sort of lofty expectations for ourselves and we think we should be able to do everything perfectly and we don't, we're not able to look at it and go.
15:25.30
Michael Huber
why Why should I be able to to be this good right now? like There's no evidence to support that, right? like And self-talk and tie, like you said, back to the effort. Hey, I tried really hard. I gave everything I could. like I showed up with a smile on my face and I worked hard. like What's wrong with using that?
15:43.61
Michael Huber
as the basis for that positive self-talk versus I'm basing myself talk on the result. I'm an idiot. I'm a moron. I should have missed that pot. I should have made that pot. I suck, right? Why are we basing on the results and not the effort and focus and the things we can control? I think it's really interesting that that happens.
15:59.01
ed gerety
Yeah, I think that's just ah just a reflection of how how we are just a very goal once again, a goal oriented driven all about it's all about results.
16:04.50
Michael Huber
Yeah.
16:07.03
Michael Huber
Yeah.
16:07.46
ed gerety
And so we have to you have to counter that, you know, the other part of that positive self talk is also, you know, sometimes you see the positive like I am happy, I'm happy, I'm happy or I'm i'm capable, I'm capable, I'm capable, I'm strong, I'm strong.
16:09.73
Michael Huber
Yes.
16:20.24
ed gerety
Well, you know, it's only part of it because where the frustration comes into play is that you can say, I'm capable, I'm strong, I'm getting better and better every day. But then you have to then put it into action too, because then it just becomes, it just gets it gets stuck.
16:33.61
ed gerety
And so then it's it's not ah just the one thing, pause yourself, okay, I am successful. I'm going to do great. You can't just get up in the morning and say, I'm going to do great on this test. I'm going to put my best effort on the test and then not have studied the night before.
16:43.58
Michael Huber
ah
16:46.69
ed gerety
So you gotta to you have to do both because it's that it's that mind body action alignment. You know, you have your words have to match you, you know, it's the words actions habits, you know.
16:53.01
Michael Huber
Yeah.
16:56.83
Michael Huber
Yeah. So it's interesting you say that because actually one of the things I will do with certain athletes and it's, I don't know that it's for everybody sometimes, but I try to, I try to guide them towards some affirmation, right?
17:08.22
Michael Huber
Like I am something that I want to be.
17:08.71
ed gerety
Yeah.
17:11.14
Michael Huber
And what I tell them is, is like, it's important to look at it, look forward and say like, I can do this. I am this, right? Maybe even if I'm not.
17:18.74
ed gerety
Yeah.
17:18.76
Michael Huber
But if I truly don't believe what I'm saying to myself, what I'm affirming, I can actually could backfire on me. right So like when you set those affirmations, I say, hey, make them manageable, make them small, make them based upon your effort.
17:31.39
Michael Huber
right like I'm going to work hard today. I am a hard worker. right Now all of a sudden, like I am a hard worker. like You are a hard worker because you have complete control over that. Right, versus I am a success.
17:41.70
Michael Huber
Well, if I don't define what success is to myself and I just say success and I assume it's something that's outcome based, right? If I don't have an outcome type success, I'm going to feel bad about myself and then I'm going to be like, ah, screw it.
17:54.80
Michael Huber
I'm not going to do anything about it, right? I'm going to just move on to the next thing.
17:56.90
ed gerety
Right.
17:58.11
Michael Huber
So it is a really, and and I think the word that I wrote down while you were talking is we are rewiring our brains. Some of it I think is biological and a lot of it is social, right? We're raised in a way that everything is so outcome oriented that we've been taught over 10, 15, 20, 25 years, especially when we're teenagers, right? We're only on the earth for a short amount of time. if that If that programming has been from day one, outcome, outcome, outcome, outcome,
18:23.62
Michael Huber
College scholarship starting position professional sports and it's all based on these outcomes that we can't completely control Now we've got to undo that right? We got to feed in the other stuff to sort of try to balance it as much as possible Yes
18:36.25
ed gerety
Absolutely. you know And I think another part of that too, Michael, is is that as we talk about positive self-talk and those affirmations, you know we model that also for our for our children, for our kids. And when I say children, i you know i mean i'm I mean all across the board, middle school, high school, college, even as adults. So we model that for for our children. And one of the things when when we model that for our children, when they see us doing the positive self-talk,
19:00.35
ed gerety
And they see us saying, you know what, okay, this didn't maybe, you know, maybe we went to get a reservation, went to go to dinner and there was no, there was no availability for seating. How I respond even to the fact of going to a restaurant, we can't get into the restaurant. How do I respond to that, my kids are watching me.
19:16.74
Michael Huber
Yes.
19:16.80
ed gerety
And then they're going to say, how's dad how is dad going to deal with that upset? how And so they're going to watch that. you know you talked We talked earlier about compassion and about having compassion for ah ourselves and also having compassion and empathy for others. And we we get that empathy by realizing you know some people have different gifts and talents than we have. But I think when we model that self-talk to our kids, what we also are teaching our kids is that that idea of self-acceptance.
19:44.35
Michael Huber
Yes.
19:44.40
ed gerety
You know, that it's not about perfection, it's about progress. That it's not about um being perfect, it's about being being your being you, being yourself, being your true authentic self.
19:49.05
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
19:55.94
Michael Huber
Yeah, I think the modeling is so critical. because And it's interesting, right? You're a parent and I'm a parent. And you know I think sometimes, I'll just speak for myself here, like I definitely am conscious of saying things in a parental way, meaning like, hey, like I'm going to say it like under the assumption that I know better than you do.
20:16.89
Michael Huber
right versus because even if it's true right even if i'm about to tell my child is true it's like i've now i'm i'm trying to tell them how to live their lives whereas like if i model that behavior right if i show up and i can't get the table or um you know something doesn't go the way i wanted to i'm driving my car and someone cuts me off and i act that way like
20:17.62
ed gerety
Yeah. Yep.
20:35.72
ed gerety
Yeah.
20:38.01
Michael Huber
I'm giving them permission to act like dad, like you're basically like you're saying, right? And so I think it's really important, you know, to be able to show that to kids. And I think sometimes there is a disconnect, right? Do as I say, not as I do. I think we we still kind of live in a world where that's an acceptable parental behavior.
20:57.23
ed gerety
Sure. It made me also think of the fact too, Michael, we talked about parenting and and modeling for our kids. and And I'm sure there are some listeners here that are saying great model, big a greek be a great role model to my kids. Well, and they would be saying, well, great, I haven't been that great of a role model to my kids. I've had upsets and I've been angry and I've done all these things. You know what? So have I.
21:20.16
ed gerety
You know, it's like, I think that's really an important thing to remember, especially when we're raised when we're raising teens.
21:23.88
Michael Huber
evening Yes.
21:26.53
ed gerety
And um we talk a lot about, you know, having compassion for others, but we need to be gentle with ourselves too, and as parents. And so I think it's easy as parents to sometimes ah beat ourselves up to say, you know, I wasn't home more, or um I should have been more patient, or I wish I could have given them this this this opportunity, and I didn't.
21:44.72
Michael Huber
sure That's right.
21:45.46
ed gerety
You know, we all make mistakes, and we all you know, there's not one manual on how to be a parent. Everyone's trying to figure it out, which goes back to the point of like, I think that the more authentic and the more present and the more real you can be with your teenager.
21:55.96
Michael Huber
Yeah.
21:59.89
ed gerety
And so just kind of say, Hey, you know what, I'm i'm on this journey with you. I don't have it all figured out. um You know, and so and then when you make a mistake, that you teach them that lesson and say, Hey, you know what,
22:12.02
ed gerety
ah The other day when you came into the room and you told me how you wanted to go to the dance and I was like, absolutely not.
22:17.38
Michael Huber
a
22:17.62
ed gerety
There's no dances this weekend. You're not going out with it. I overreacted without even hearing the whole story. And so I'm sorry that I i acted that way.
22:25.19
Michael Huber
Yeah, right. well And I was just about to go there and you sort of put the word out, sorry, right? Apologizing, taking responsibility, holding ourselves accountable as parents. I was talking about this yesterday, I think with somebody else. I don't think it was in our conversation. But the idea of as a parent, like if I mess up and I know I mess up,
22:45.18
Michael Huber
Like that ability to go to my kid even though they're my child and I'm the parent to say hey listen I messed up right I'm sorry I had something else going on or I was mad about something else and I took it out on you or that just made me feel a certain way so I got upset right I'm human I make mistakes right but to acknowledge it and to also like humble yourself to say hey I don't know everything.
23:07.70
Michael Huber
You know, kid, like I can make mistakes too. And I'm going to show you that it's okay to make a mistake and apologize for it so that you have permission to go do that when you do versus, Hey, I always have to be right. And I can't admit when I'm wrong, which is to me, like, you know, that's just a personal pet peeve of mine. Humility is just so important, right? Like in terms of development as a person, if you think you know everything, you're not going to have curiosity. You're probably going to be a perfectionist.
23:31.62
Michael Huber
and you're probably gonna have a pretty hard you know life with some pretty negative self talk, right? And that's, it's a hard life to live, right?
23:36.67
ed gerety
Absolutely.
23:38.02
Michael Huber
Like everybody goes through their own experience, but it's a hard life to live when you're constantly beating up on yourself.
23:43.55
ed gerety
Absolutely. And I think that one of the and then one of the reasons why I think oftentimes people do beat themselves up is that we get caught up into this comparison game. ah We start comparing ourselves to how other how we see how other parents are maybe acting acting with their kids.
23:51.91
Michael Huber
Yes.
23:57.19
ed gerety
And we think, oh, look at the relationship they have. I wish I had a relationship like they did. And it's all we start once we start comparing any of those things, it just it's a rabbit hole of of of scarcity and of lack.
24:09.26
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
24:09.47
ed gerety
And then you start to you start to no longer look for what's working. You look for now what's not working. But to go back to your point to Michael about that idea of, you know, when we we say I'm sorry, and we when we wait when we make a mistake, we're we're not just teaching the lesson of of humility, but we're also teaching an incredible lesson about being accountable.
24:29.15
ed gerety
and being responsible for our words and for our actions and saying, hey, you know what? I'm accountable for what I said and for what I didn't say and for what I did or I didn't do. And we can teach them that yeah taking responsibility and foot forward for their life and for their actions. I think that's such an important skill to teach our teenagers and to teach our children is that how do we teach them to be responsible and to be independent?
24:52.21
ed gerety
And I think you know one of the just even simple things you can do to help them get that a little bit learn that responsibility, that independence is just fun things. you know you could depend It's all age appropriate, right?
25:02.21
Michael Huber
Yes.
25:02.24
ed gerety
But you could have your you could have your child say, you know what, your response for making dinner Friday night. You and your siblings are a response for making dinner. Well, what are we going to make? You're in charge. Here's $50. Here's, you know, go and you got to dinner for our the six people, however it is, right?
25:17.75
ed gerety
um Or you have them plan a trip or you help or if they're old enough you help them get online with you And and you know buy an airline ticket and show them how to buy an airline ticket All those little different things how to buy a ticket at a concert you want to go to a concert all right Let's go online together, but instead of doing it for them You know like let me show you how to do a little a load of laundry a load of wash um um I really, my my son's a sophomore in college and he he said, dad, I had like three friends come up to me at college and didn't even know how to run a washer and dryer.
25:46.76
ed gerety
They had no clue on how to do it. So that teaching that responsibility and that independence is important.
25:50.47
Michael Huber
yes
25:52.12
ed gerety
And it starts with you leading by example and modeling it too.
25:54.95
Michael Huber
Those are really good examples. I mean, some of those things I've done as a parent and some of those things I've never even thought to do, right? And I totally agree with you, right? Like, hey, it doesn't have to be perfect. It's more about learning and experiencing how to do it and the curiosity and the ability to put make yourself uncomfortable. And those are really low risk things, right, to be able to do, to start to get them to think that way of like,
26:16.18
Michael Huber
Hey, I can try new things and it is fun. And yeah, maybe it didn't go perfectly, but hey, this is really cool that I got to experience this new thing. And I think, you know, in the world that I live in specifically with young athletes, you know, I think that is a challenge for a lot of parents. They want to dictate their child's experience, whether it's talking to a coach or dictating to the young person what they need to do and sort of running the show.
26:41.64
Michael Huber
their ability, their ability or willingness to take their hands like I say, take their hands off the wheel, you know, sort of let them drive the car metaphorically is really important. But I think it's really hard for parents because they don't want to see their kids stumble. They don't want to see them waste time. They want to see them achieve their Outcome goals right i want to play a sport in college i want to get a scholarship if i don't if this doesn't go perfectly this year like i'm gonna set myself back or i'm not gonna be able to do that versus hey let's see how this goes and if that doesn't work out maybe there is a reason for it and that's okay.
27:14.13
ed gerety
Yeah, I'll give you and about a personal example to that of when our son was playing lacrosse early on in in high school and ah he wasn't really happy with how like the playing time that he was getting and so he was complaining about it a lot to to me and to to our to my wife. and Um, and then finally it was kind of like, okay, well then what do you, what do you need to do to get more playing time? And he was like, well, I'm not really sure. I don't really know. I just got to just be better, I guess, or I should be playing. And so it was really that empowering him to say, you know, that my wife was like, well, maybe we should go talk to the coach. And I'm like, no, we're not going to go talk to the coach. No. And then she, she got it quick to understood that pretty quick that no, he has to go talk to the coach.
27:53.47
ed gerety
and say, hey coach, can I set it? And not just coach, is there a time that I can meet with you after practice sometime this week? So that you you you you teach that life life skill too. Hey coach, is there a time that I can meet with you this today or tomorrow to talk to you about a couple things?
28:03.88
Michael Huber
Yes.
28:08.37
ed gerety
Sure. And so then you're teaching them another life skill. Once again, being responsible for their life, being responsible for for what they're up to.
28:16.09
Michael Huber
Yeah, I mean, I certainly as a dad, I believe that as a ah coach to young athletes, I'm a big advocate of that. And it's like you said, it's not just the conversation, it's the asking for the time, sending an email to set up an appointment, walking in the door, sitting across and looking your coach in the eye and having a conversation and preparing for that conversation, knowing it's going to be hard and stressful and anxiety inducing because you're 16 or 17 or 18 years old and your coach is a grown up and he holds his hold your fate seemingly in your hands.
28:48.84
Michael Huber
How am I going to handle it when my coach tells me something I don't want to hear? Am I going to, am I going to get angry? Am I going to drop my head? Am I going to cry? Am I going to write like, and maybe those things happen because we're human, but if we prepare for it and we kind of see it and we know what we want to get across and we know how we think about how we might react in those situations and all of a sudden I'm prepared for an adult conversation, which if nothing else,
29:11.03
Michael Huber
gives a sense of self-esteem and self-respect and builds character for a young person that they're going to feel good about even if they don't get them they don't get more playing time. Hey, I was able to do this.
29:20.27
ed gerety
Right.
29:21.34
Michael Huber
Look at me. like I acted like an adult. That's pretty cool, right? you know
29:25.32
ed gerety
Yeah, when I think when you do hard things, when you do challenging things like that, you can't help but develop that resilience and that that perseverance, that grit. And that's the thing too, right? Michael, you and I here in the work that we do, right? um And peak performance and leadership development, you know, there's such that um focus on terms of of being driven and and and work really hard, but I think sometimes we forget, we have we have to teach that growth, that we we get caught up in the idea of how important it is to to to be resilient, to persevere, but we forget to remind ourselves and to remind our children is that perseverance and resilience does not come from our easy wins.
29:58.22
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
30:04.05
ed gerety
and and in the small victories. it It really comes when we take a setback and we turn it into a great comeback and we take an obstacle and we turn it into a ah great opportunity.
30:09.46
Michael Huber
Yeah.
30:12.81
ed gerety
and So the question is how how do you teach that to your kid? Well, you you model it, you example it you give you give examples of it because there are examples all around us from sports to music to to medicine to education of people doing incredibly inspiring things in the world and and i've overcome great odds.
30:19.78
Michael Huber
Hmm.
30:29.40
ed gerety
So you've got to pay attention for those. let They're all around us. so Oftentimes, if I come across an article online, where or an inspirational like video, I'll send that to my kids, I'll send it to my friends, so that it's it's a reminder of like the perseverance, the growth mindset, as Carol Dweck talks about, you know that we can always go farther than we think we can.
30:40.26
Michael Huber
the
30:45.58
Michael Huber
Yes. Yes.
30:49.71
ed gerety
And it's such an important trait to have.
30:51.73
Michael Huber
Yeah. and And so that you mentioned leadership and leadership is not something that I would consider myself to be expert in. Uh, it's not something I talk a lot about. I mean, some clients certainly have the desire to be better leaders and we can work through that, but it's not something that I necessarily put a ton of focus on. So like, can you talk about that? And like, like what are qualities some of the qualities of, of, of high, you know, high performing leaders?
31:13.77
ed gerety
Sure. i think and I think we've touched upon them, right? I think great leaders are curious. I think great leaders do focus not just on the result, but on the effort. And I think that great leaders do take the time to focus on and what's working and and and that positive momentum going forward. um I think great leaders are resilient and they they know how to persevere.
31:33.69
ed gerety
I think another big quality that great leaders have, Michael, is that they really practice a daily art of gratitude, a deep appreciation for for their abilities, for the opportunities that lie before them, and for the people in their life. And I think that when we live and lead our lives with gratitude, it's then we can have the right kind of attitude to deal with the ups and downs and the challenges in the face, not just in school, but in life.
31:57.43
ed gerety
And you know now it's really amazing in the world of and and science is that now they're doing the studies that actually just show that being grateful is not just a nice thing to say or being kind is not just the the right thing to do.
32:03.47
Michael Huber
Mhm.
32:08.58
ed gerety
But these studies are showing how in a biochemical way, it's it's it changes the physiology of our body.
32:12.63
Michael Huber
Yes.
32:15.92
ed gerety
It changes the the brain chemistry of our body.
32:18.82
Michael Huber
Yeah, I love gratitude and and I follow along with that science at least on the periphery and gratitude is a as a performance for me is a performance strategy that I will suggest to young people and some of them kind of like roll their eyes at it for you know metaphorically like I don't get it but every once in a while I'll get an athlete who gets it you know I worked at a um a high school of all boys, um high Catholic high school. And so the kids there tended to be a little bit more um faith you know into their faith than typical, which I use that ah with athletes who are of faith, I use that as ah as a driver, right? Like that idea of, hey, there's something bigger out there, right? It's not just me. I'm not the only person in the universe, right? And so I had this one kid who was really struggling in baseball.
33:09.20
Michael Huber
And and he I knew he was into his faith. And I just said, you know hey, you know in your routines, like when you go to the plate, just tell yourself thank you. like Just say thank you to yourself. like Hey, I get to play baseball.
33:20.79
Michael Huber
right like this is like This is not something everybody gets to do.
33:20.82
ed gerety
Yeah.
33:24.56
Michael Huber
It's a privilege, and I'm lucky to do it. and it help take some of that pressure off like hey like this is really cool i get to do this like not everybody gets to do it and there's something bigger so like hey just go with it and i think that that's a really important thing i think gratitude is a really hard thing for people to buy into because we live in a culture of scarcity, right? The world we live in is inherently like, I don't have enough. I never have enough. I need more. And that idea that I'm grateful, just these little things every single day is like, it seems trivial, but it's but it's not, right? And we know now scientifically that that changes the way you know our bodies and our minds work.
34:02.68
ed gerety
Yeah, and i you know I think what happens is right in the world of advertising that we live in, in the world that we live in with advertising, it's like advertising all about what are you missing?
34:07.93
Michael Huber
Yes.
34:12.28
ed gerety
What are you not good at?
34:13.20
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
34:13.87
ed gerety
What are you, you know, the the fear of missing out, um lack, scarcity, all of that.
34:18.80
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
34:19.03
ed gerety
So it just feeds into that. And so so the big the big question then is, well, then how do you foster more gratitude in your life? And I think one of the first things you can do to foster more gratitude into your life is that you, first of all, need to put yourself into the present moment. Because we live in so we we it's just so easy and it's just so easy to get caught up into the past or to get pulled into the future that we miss out on what's happening right now, this very moment. And the really, the daily practice and art of gratitude it has to start with you being in the present moment, because that's where that's where it begins.
34:51.85
Michael Huber
Yes.
34:54.22
ed gerety
And so to be in the present moment, then the next question then is, and then how do you be in the present moment? And the studies have been done now that shows that one of the first things you can do to get into the present moment is to be aware and conscious of your breath.
35:05.42
ed gerety
And if you can get really conscious of your breath, and taking that time to really get centered and come. Now, once I'm in the present moment, now I can say, okay, what am I grateful for in my life right now?
35:10.88
Michael Huber
Yeah.
35:15.88
ed gerety
And then someone says, well, I'm not i don't i'm not grateful for anything. Well, let's pretend that you're grateful for something. what if you could What if you could be grateful for something? Or what would others be grateful for, do you think, in their life?
35:26.91
ed gerety
And then you try to get into that conversation of like, it's, you know, I always challenge my audiences, you know, every night before you go to bed, just ask yourself one last question, you know, what are five things that you're grateful for about today?
35:36.11
Michael Huber
um Yes.
35:36.85
ed gerety
and sometimes they're small things, sometimes they're big things, but it will reframe the day and it will will set you up to win the next one. So being the present moment, being aware of your breath, you know, another great skill that ah that I've really, I practice and it's something that I and i teach and and what I've shared with our with our children.
35:44.41
Michael Huber
Yeah.
35:54.66
ed gerety
And that is, that you know, a really ah a consistent practice of journaling, of taking the time to journal and just, it's, no one else is reading it.
35:58.94
Michael Huber
Yes.
36:02.90
ed gerety
It's just your thoughts, your your collective streaming of just
36:05.39
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
36:07.26
ed gerety
whatever's on your mind. and And then you can turn that into a gratitude journal in itself by ending at each entry with what am I grateful for?
36:11.22
Michael Huber
Yes.
36:14.89
Michael Huber
Yeah.
36:15.05
ed gerety
and Or what are the things that I'm looking forward to? Once again, focusing on the effort, not the result.
36:19.57
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
36:20.31
ed gerety
But the power of journaling is another way that we can foster more gratitude. And then just taking the practice of just of taking the time to write a letter to a loved one, the letter making a phone call to someone and and just expressing your gratitude to them.
36:33.41
ed gerety
It's just that's so important.
36:34.72
Michael Huber
Yeah, all those things, right? And I think, you know, we're, you know, we've just had a couple of conversations, but everything you just said, right, about those tools and techniques and strategies, right? The breathing to be in the present moment, the journaling, the gratitude, those are all things that like,
36:51.07
Michael Huber
are central to my work and I love that right like to see somebody else being able to apply that in a different context maybe a little bit with their family and it's like it just makes you feel good like hey you know what like these things do work and they're not hard things right they're simple things but we need to do them consistently to get the most
36:58.72
ed gerety
Yeah.
37:09.65
Michael Huber
out of it, right? And the fact that you're sort of sharing that and you've been coaching and consulting for a lot longer than I have. So it's nice to know that somebody with more experience is saying, Hey, like these are the things we need to do and they're not hard, but we got to do them because it's going to change the way we look at the world. And ultimately it's going to change the way we show up and perform, which is, which is huge. So I think, you know, as we start to wind down a little bit, I wanted you to to to get to have a chance to talk about your book is called shine your light. Is that correct?
37:38.41
ed gerety
Correct. Yeah. yeah i can't go the book up My new book is, Shine Your Light, Navigate Your Way to a Life You Love. And I talk about how do we you know become more confident? How do we achieve our goals? How do we got get inspired to reach out and and really make a difference?
37:49.60
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
37:52.36
ed gerety
It kind of ties into the point you just made, Michael. And the whole analogy, it's a whole it's a whole ocean sea analogy that I do throughout the book with metaphors.
37:58.46
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
38:01.80
ed gerety
And one of it is ah the lighthouses, that we have lighthouses in our life that can guide us to to to navigate our way to a life that we love. So everyone's de everyone's definition of living a life they love is is is different, right?
38:16.03
ed gerety
Everyone's path in light in life is different. But I do think that there are lighthouses ah that are consistent among everybody's journey that um that we need to kind of keep as guideposts as we as we navigate our way to a life that we love.
38:30.88
ed gerety
And one of those Lighthouse is being gratitude, another Lighthouse being in respect and responsibility, another Lighthouse being being kind to others.
38:32.99
Michael Huber
Yeah.
38:38.53
ed gerety
And so I really wrote this book as a culmination of my 30 years of work where with um students and educators and business leaders. And and as saw as also as a manifesto to my kids, just as a so the legacy piece for them to kind of say, hey, this is what this is what dad this is how dad tried to live his life. And this is um what he also tried to share with others.
38:58.38
Michael Huber
I see, I love that. And then we talked a little bit about that before I hit the record button. And I just, I love that, right? Like, yes, it's for other people. Yes, it's to to share that advice and your your experience and your wisdom with other people so that they can get it from, but ah also that idea that it is a,
39:14.30
Michael Huber
sort of a culmination of all your work and a legacy for your children in sort of one place, which I think is really, really cool. And certainly the idea of writing a book is is pretty attractive.
39:24.92
Michael Huber
I think there's also something in there that I took that we haven't talked a lot about, but I think it's important is, you know, lighthouses, I thought the word beacon, right? Like beacons, right?
39:33.82
ed gerety
Yeah.
39:35.68
Michael Huber
Values, right? So identity and values, like how does that sort of play into your work? Just to kind of touch on that a little bit.
39:42.42
ed gerety
our our our values and our our values play such a huge huge role in our identity. you know There's been some studies that have shown that you know by the age of by the age of seven, we've already ah we've already acquired a set of beliefs about how to navigate the world and that that are set in that are are kind of like set in place.
40:01.11
ed gerety
And and what they've so some studies have shown is that 60%, 70% of those beliefs and those values, those beliefs are negative. They're actually limiting beliefs. So we actually, actually need to kind of reprogram and and rechange some of those limiting beliefs going forward because otherwise it doesn't matter how much, how positive we think, unless we go back to, you know, go back to like those those limiting beliefs and those, and being really clear on what our values are and what really matters are, then that's when we get kind of lost and we get kind of fragmented, we get overwhelmed, we get anxious, and we start to go down that rabbit hole of of comparison.
40:39.31
Michael Huber
Yeah, and and and to tie that back to the very beginning of our conversation about confidence. right For me, right curiosity is a big part of confidence right like from what you had you know shared with us. um For me, it's also about knowing who you are, what you value. If I know who I am, and I talk to kids about this all the time, if I know what I value, I know what's important, I know who I am as a person, I know what I stand for,
41:02.06
Michael Huber
Then my performance to the rest of the world isn't going to matter as much because I know what I gave. I know what I did. I know who I am and what I stand for. And what somebody else thinks about me isn't as important versus like, if I don't know what I believe, I don't know what I stand for. I don't know what my values are. Now all of a sudden I'm looking for validation from the outside because I don't have clarity about what's important to me and who I am. And I think that that's really, really important.
41:27.58
Michael Huber
to start to develop at a young age, right? Because like you said, like just scientifically, right? We were already starting to see like those values generated at a very young age. You've got to then break those patterns and start to challenge kids to think about like, what is and important to me? What do I stand for? What do I want in my life? And what's important? Then they could start to make friends. They could start to align themselves with people in their lives that have those same values. And now you could set yourself up for success in the future.
41:52.26
ed gerety
That's so true. it the more The more you can honor your own true self, the more you can become your most authentic self, is then then then you're able to show show your your true self to the whole world and help others.
42:05.19
ed gerety
But you know what that takes, Michael? It takes work, and it takes intention, and it takes attention.
42:10.19
Michael Huber
Yeah.
42:10.42
ed gerety
and and and what So what do you mean by work? It means so taking the time to listen to podcasts. It means taking the time to to read the books. It means taking the time to journal. It means taking the time to to be present in conversations, to really be engaged, to really be a ah real listener. All of those play such a huge role in us being able to keep living living and leading a life that we love.
42:34.11
Michael Huber
I love that. All right, i'm gonna I'm gonna leave it there. I'm gonna ask you one last question and I normally i normally ask, you asked me one last question and I usually ask one question and it's different, but I'm gonna turn the tables.
42:43.37
ed gerety
yeah
42:47.11
Michael Huber
If you had a billboard at the side of the road and you could put one thing on that billboard for everybody to see, what would it be?
42:54.99
ed gerety
You know, i I feel like I wish I had a weekly billboard because I feel like I could change it weekly. ah know Actually, maybe even daily. But I think for... for i think I think the message I would put out there on that billboard right now was would be be gentle with yourself so that you can be gentle and kind to others.
43:17.32
ed gerety
I just think we live in a set we we do. We just live in a high-paced world right now, fast-paced world where it's just easy to beat ourselves up. And I think that's something that I've had to work on in my in my my life is just um that idea of not just be gentle with yourself, that you write you're right where you're supposed to be and that you don't have to have it all figured out and all planned out.
43:25.03
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
43:28.73
Michael Huber
Mm hmm.
43:38.55
ed gerety
you know I do a lot of work with um with seniors and I do a lot of work with people making transitions to different parts of their life. and seniors going into college is a very overwhelming time, because ah even our daughter right now is going through that process.
43:52.56
ed gerety
And one of the things that I share with her is just that, you know what, you don't have to have it all figured out, and you don't have to have it all planned out. And if you do, great. And if you decide to change it, guess what, that's OK, too.
44:03.55
ed gerety
It's your life. you know The biggest mistake that you can ever make is to live someone else's goal is to live someone else's dream.
44:09.74
Michael Huber
Mhm.
44:09.99
ed gerety
yeah I'll give you a quick example, Michael. like um i speak at ah i speak at a university I speak at Fordham University every year ah in New York at the Lincoln Center campus and at the Rose Hill campus.
44:20.14
Michael Huber
Mhm.
44:20.68
ed gerety
And I help welcome all the first year students into their orientation there at Fordham.
44:22.00
Michael Huber
Mhm.
44:26.35
ed gerety
And I've been speaking there for over two two decades. And at one of those orientations, I'll never forget, a senior orientation leader walked up to me and he went, he goes, excuse me, he goes, but you're Ed Garrity. I go, yeah, because I remember you.
44:37.15
ed gerety
He goes, you spoke in my orientation when I was a freshman here at Fordham. I go, you remember that? He goes, yeah, absolutely. He goes, you actually brought me up on stage, and you had me do this whole goal setting thing from I want to I will. Because when you get clarity, you get power, and when you get clarity and power, you have focus, and when you get clarity, power, and focus, you're confident, you're unstoppable. And I was like, that's so cool. You remember that? He goes, yeah, I go, do you remember what your goal was? He said, absolutely. He said, I will be an Oscar award winning director here in New York City by the age of 35.
45:06.63
ed gerety
And I was like, wow, that's so great. I go, I saw you still studying film here at Fordham. And he looked right at me, Michael, and he laughed and he went, no. He said, I started out in film, and the more I got involved with film here, I realized it wasn't so much film that I was excited about. Go back to the curious thing we talked about earlier, right, Michael? He goes, I started to realize it wasn't so much film that I was excited about. It was music. And then he explained to me, the more he explored music, the more curious he became about music, to realize that's what he really wanted to build his life around. I'm like, well, that's great. It goes, so what's your new goal now? He goes, my new goal now, I will have my own music production company here in New York City by the age of 35, representing the top hip artists in the world.
45:47.39
ed gerety
good for you," I said. I go, so what are you doing right now to get closer to that goal? He goes, well, right now I have an internship with Sony and their international marketing department. Good for you. And that point is that he would never have got to here, right, Michael, if if he had never started way over here. So I think it's just important to remember that, you know, you're right where you are supposed to be, to, you know, be present and then circle the wagons, what really matters, what's most important to you, be curious, you know, celebrate the effort um and ah be responsible and and be kind and be grateful.
46:23.26
Michael Huber
It's great. and Thank you so much for joining me on the podcast. It was a wonderful conversation. Hopefully we could do it again sometime.
46:30.89
ed gerety
Thanks Michael and I really appreciate what you do and and the keep on shining your light to the world if you're making a difference.
46:37.06
Michael Huber
Thank you so much Ed.